Tell me an old joke

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Antiriad2097
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Post by Antiriad2097 » Wed May 23, 2007 9:35 am

What's brown and smells of bananas?

Monkey poop.
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Bub&Bob
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Post by Bub&Bob » Wed May 23, 2007 9:51 am

A woman goes into a shop and buys 1 pint of milk, a small loaf of bread and a can of soup for one..

The Man at the till says to the women: “I Bet your’e singleâ€
The dry fart for Barry MacDermot and all the cancer patients in the Glamorgan testicle ward

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The Penultimate Ninja
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Post by The Penultimate Ninja » Wed May 23, 2007 9:52 am

What's E.T. short for?


He's only got little legs!
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Smurph
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Post by Smurph » Wed May 23, 2007 10:19 am

You guys are a bunch of racists. Seriously, I thought sensible people on a Retro forum wouldn't bother with 70's stereotyped Irish people being thick jokes. Although I suppose it is a retro idea.

Grow up.
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Smurph
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Post by Smurph » Wed May 23, 2007 10:23 am

HA! Burned! :lol:



I don't really feel that strongly, but it is slightly offensive.

Anyway:

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler!!
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FatTrucker
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Post by FatTrucker » Wed May 23, 2007 10:36 am

Smurph wrote:You guys are a bunch of racists. Seriously, I thought sensible people on a Retro forum wouldn't bother with 70's stereotyped Irish people being thick jokes. Although I suppose it is a retro idea.

Grow up.
Half my family are Irish and own a farm in Southern Ireland where they breed race horses.
While I'm sure the Irish in the towns are unjustly labelled, I can say that those who live in the country are by and large Guinness addled lunatics who all drive like Colin Mcrae being chased by the Banshee.

That said, apologies if any real offence was caused.
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psj3809
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Post by psj3809 » Wed May 23, 2007 10:50 am

I was gonna say i have some family who are irish and theyre not offended by any jokes like that. I'm half welsh and i dont cry out 'racist' everytime i hear a sheep joke. Do think people take things a bit too seriously sometimes.

Over in France i get called 'roast beef' all the time by work colleagues, i laugh it off big time.

Glad Smurph was kinda joking but i do think the worlds gone a bit too PC mad. (I dont mean personal computers or as Edward Eoifsch calls them - micro computers ??!!)

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sirclive1
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Post by sirclive1 » Wed May 23, 2007 10:54 am

Did you hear about the two radios getting married , the ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

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FatTrucker
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Post by FatTrucker » Wed May 23, 2007 11:10 am

Two old guys suffering from Alzheimer's are sitting on a bench when an ice-cream van comes down the street.

"Do you want one?" asks the first guy.

"Yes, I'll have a cone, but write it down or otherwise you'll forget" says the second.

"No I won't" says the first.

"Look, I want a cone with a flake, and I know you'll forget, so write it down" says the second.

"I won't forget" says the first guy, getting slightly irritated.

"OK then, look - I want a cone, a flake and strawberry sauce. Now write it down or you WILL forget" says the second.

The first guy is getting quite miffed now and still argues that he won't forget.

The second guy says irritably "I want a cone, a flake, strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands little chocolate bits sprinkled all over. You won't remember all that so WRITE IT DOWN!"

The first guy, now really annoyed, walks off and five minutes later comes back with a meat pie.

The second guy looks at him and says...............................................................










"Where's my f***ing chips?"
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FatTrucker
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Post by FatTrucker » Wed May 23, 2007 11:18 am

And another:

Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber" (his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do it"

Cobber says "Lets try Plan B."

"Plan B" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her." replied Cobber.
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples"? Cobber says, "Not exactly a good time for that is it mate?"

"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the Cheap MDF rubbish where the tiles aren't so expensive" ....
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markopoloman
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Post by markopoloman » Wed May 23, 2007 11:37 am

YOU MUST USE A MEXICAN ACCENT FOR THIS TO WORK..........



Pedro and Pablo were lost in the desert.

Having walked for the past 5 days without food or water, they are starting to feel a little tired and thirsty.

*****SAY ALL OF THE FOLLOWING WITH A MEXICAN ACCENT*****

Pablo - ' Pedro, can you smell bacon?'

Pedro - 'No, you are tired. We have been here for days - you are imagining that smell'.

SO THEY CARRY ON WALKING - UP THE NEXT HILL.......

Pablo - 'Pedro, I can still smell bacon - I am sure I can smell bacon!'

Pedro - 'No no no! You cannot smell bacon - you are in a desert and your mind is playing tricks on you. Just carry on walking, we will find water and food'.

SO THEY CARRY ON WALKING - OVER THE NEXT HILL......

Pablo - 'LOOK LOOK - over there, it is a bacon tree'

Pedro - 'WHAT! Don't be such a fool Pablo, there is no such thing - it is a mirage. You are tired and your mind is playing tricks again - lets just carry on.....)


SO AGAIN THEY WALK ON - AND OVER THE NEXT HILL......


Pablo - 'NO! Look - it IS a bacon tree, and I can smell it'.

Pedro - 'Look, I have told you Pablo, it is a mirage. There is no bacon tree'

Pablo - 'I will prove it to you'


PABLO RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE BACON TREE.

JUST BEFORE HE CAN REACH THE TREE, HE IS HIT BY A SPRAY OF BULLETS!

BLEEDING FROM HIS WOUNDS - AND ON DEATHS DOOR, HE CRAWLS SLOWLY BACK TO PEDRO................

Pedro, Pedro, I was wrong. It was not a bacon tree.............................









































It was a HAM BUSH !!


:shock: :lol: :roll: :lol: :lol:

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bolda
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Post by bolda » Wed May 23, 2007 12:06 pm

Condoleza Rice is giving George Bush a daily Iraq update...

Rice: "Mr. President, yesterday 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Baghdad"
Bush: "Sweet Mother of Mary, how many is a Brazilian?"
GAME OVER YEEEAAAHHH!
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Freshmetal
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Post by Freshmetal » Wed May 23, 2007 1:08 pm

'I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and covered with cobwebs.... but she's good with the kids...'

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paranoid marvin
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Post by paranoid marvin » Wed May 23, 2007 1:25 pm

Why not substitute Irishman for Amstrad owner?
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FatTrucker
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Post by FatTrucker » Wed May 23, 2007 1:27 pm

What a bloody good idea.
Darran@Retro Gamer wrote:I've played all the Bratz games and Barbia Horse Adventures, due to having two girls and they are not rubbish in the slightest.
Feel free to add me on XBL.
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